One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple. -- Psalm 27.4
I am in the business of beauty, whether it is arranging words in a beautiful order or drawing lines in a beautiful way. Yet I am at such odds with beauty, and so constantly, that you can expect few conclusions to be reached here today. All I can do is record a taste of the discourse in my head.
If I were doing word association, with "beauty" I would pair "dissatisfaction." This blog is worth nothing without transparency, so I will go ahead and say that I am dissatisfied with my own perceived beauty, and even more dissatisfied with my shallow and (I suspect) wholly deceived understanding of it: much of the spiritual warfare in my life takes place on this plane. For someone who detects beauty easily in others, I struggle with seeing it in myself. And for someone who delights in discerning and understanding, here I am stumped. I know that this is true, and do not disagree with it:
"There are women for whom we can predict few wooers and men who are likely to have few friends." - Lewis, from The Four Loves
but I couldn't even begin to understand why. Christian books on this topic mystify me-- Redeeming Love was unconvincing and Captivating was irresponsible. They've left me more dissatisfied than I was before, and have taken to eyeing me myopically from the bookshelf: I know they wonder what sort of heartless and unfeminine creature could be so unaffected by their contents.
What has meant more to me than books that communicate cheaply (I realize most people don't feel this way, and I am thankful that those books have helped so many girls) is daily contemplation of the Lord's beauty. I have found that when something about myself doesn't make sense, the best thing to do is return my attentions to Jesus, who does make sense. I confess that my understanding of beauty is dim (for now we see through a glass darkly, and know only in part) but I know enough of the Lord to trust His beauty as perfect, strong, and eternal. This is a fairly recent development-- I'll let you know how it goes.
When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the Testimony in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. - Exodus 34.29
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Reflections on the things other, more thoughtful people have said, and occasional ideas of my own.
6 comments:
I have things to say about this! About you, specifically. We should chat more soon.
I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.
Psalm 34:4-5
I read this today and felt compelled to share it.
I know the last thing that you want is for people to tell you just how beautiful you are in response to this post, so I will spare you. You already know what I think. I have to tell you,though, that as I read this, my eyes filled with tears. It breaks my heart to know that you, my dear dear friend, struggle with the same internal confusion that I struggle with as well. Why is it so difficult at times to overlook our flaws, yet so easy to overlook our beauty?
Thank you, as always, for your honesty. It is encouraging to know that I am not alone.
sarah - thanks. I think that scripture is really powerful.
kirbs - thanks also. we should pray about it sometime.
Wow this is really deep. i agree when you said that the best thing you can do is look to the Lord. He will free you from all your fears and worries, even if it does take some time...
I've been meaning to comment on this for forever (a week and a half :)) - but wanted to say that I really enjoyed this post, and definitely can relate to many of the thoughts and reactions you mentioned. (I still have not entirely finished Captivating; it inflamed several of my nerves a couple of years ago and made me want to hurl it at the nearest wall, so I put it down until I could come at it in a better frame of heart...I have not yet arrived, or rather I come closer at times and then struggle with those ideas again...and Redeeming Love left me with a cynical aftertaste in my mouth...) I think the hardest part of reading those books for me was the attempt to reconcile our ideas about God's beauty and His perception of beauty, with our earthly standards when I don't see that it makes any practical difference - I love the idea that there might be something mysteriously beautiful hidden within me but have so little faith in the male gender being able to appreciate it, in that case, that those books further confirmed my knee-jerk reaction of wanting to give up and join a convent.
All of my personal nonsense aside...
I like that you suggest concentration on the beauty of the Lord; I agree with you that this is the most constant and fascinating focus...and I think that God's understanding of beauty, much more than man's perception of beauty, is most fully realised there. Our beauty could never come from any source besides Him, so it makes sense that we could only understand it by becoming more familiar with His nature, and that all increase of beauty would be in becoming more like Him... I suppose the hardest part is admitting the beauty that is already there - the traces of His fingertips from when He formed us, and admitting that there has been progress and transformation...
And that this is real beauty...beauty by right of being, not by effort....
I think you're beautiful (both internally and externally), by the way (you can be annoyed if you want, but it's true).
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